There is this little girl who has stolen my heart. Absolutely stolen it. My friends and family find this shocking, and most of them have stared at me, speechless, more than once in the last few months. I’m a proud member of the BOY MOM sorority. All three times I was ready to have a baby… a BOY baby… I overtly declared, “I don’t do girl.”
And that’s just it. I really don’t do girl. I have never been very good at being a girl myself. What hope do I have in raising one?
But here I am.
I am going to be a mom to a daughter. A DAUGHTER y’all! And this transformation that I’m (still) going through is about the most exciting thing I’ve ever experienced!
This little girl won’t biologically be mine, but I dare you to look into the eyes of any adoptive parent and try to convince them their non-biological child is any less a part of them than bio babies. She’ll be one of us, though I doubt we’ll name her “Elsa” like my middle son is requesting. And sorry son, but no, she won’t likely have white hair. (When I’m not busy with the task of being Boy Mom, I’m a card-carrying member of the parental union called If-I-Hear-One-More-Number-from-the-Frozen-Soundtrack-I’m-Going-Postal.)
So, how do I explain that we have not actually been placed with a little girl yet? But I still feel like I absolutely LOVE her, like deep down in the recesses of my heart kind of love, y’all.
I simply cannot articulate what this is like: I’ve fallen in love with a little girl I’ve never met. Who may not even exist yet. But this much I do know, God has directed us to be her parents.
And what a wild and exciting ride that has been!
I have a very distinct memory that I’ve replayed in my mind over the years. I must have been about 12-years-old or so. I remember I was standing in my parent’s kitchen, alone. I had placed my hands up on the adjacent counters and was pushing myself into the air, swinging my legs underneath me. And I told myself, “There are a lot of kids out there who don’t have families. I can give them that. I can be their mom. One day, I’m going to adopt.” I have no recollection of what sparked that thought in the first place, but it is one that has stuck with me for over 20 years now. It is so…neat… I can’t think of a better word…just neat!… to see God bring to fruition something he stirred in me when I was just a little girl. Within the last two years, God jump-started that feeling to become something tangible as He led us to begin the process of getting certified to foster/adopt a child.
So, I’ve known all along that adoption was, at the least, somewhere on my own radar, but I knew the true test would be in bringing my husband alongside me to make the journey happen. Over the last couple of years, as I felt the pull tighter and tighter on my heart that this would really be happening, my prayer became, “Lord, you know we’ll be obedient. And you know my heart because you shaped it. But if this is really something you’re ready to launch, please prepare B’s heart. When he’s ready, I’ll know your timing is sufficient.”
Sure enough, earlier this year our church announced a partnership with a local foster/adoption organization at the close of the service one Sunday. I can’t speak all that accurately on the change that must have taken place in my husband that morning, but on the drive to eat after church, he spoke the words I’d been hoping for (but had no idea if or when they’d actually come): “So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”
Never have such ambiguous words reached so deep in my heart!
That’s when I knew.
Well, after a few blank stares and totally unhelpful hints from B like “You know, what they said at church.” Well, our preacher speaks for a solid hour each week; a lot was said.
God planted a seed ridiculously long ago. He has since prepared B’s heart and has begun preparing our family of 5 to become a family of 6. We have a long, long journey ahead of us, but we’re so stinkin’ excited! We are thankful to be taking this journey, because more than anything else, it is a spiritual one. God is proving faithful, and it’s neat, just neat y’all, to see the pieces of a 20 year puzzle start to fit together. We’re reminded that God already saw this coming long before we did. Therefore, we don’t have to worry about a whole lot. The details that have the potential to feel overwhelming and complicated are not ones that we need to try to take control over. After all, God set this whole thing up. He’ll take care of it.
We understand adoption isn’t for everyone. And we feel so amused at the pitying or questioning looks we get when we tell people that we are, in fact, adding a little girl to the rowdy, active mix of boys, undoubtedly play-fighting like superheroes under our feet as I try to explain our situation. In the end, I love re-telling our story but I will never feel like I have to explain ourselves to defend our decision. God gave us a directive. He was pretty creative in how He chose to call us, but it’s a call nonetheless. And more than this journey, more than anything else, we want to be obedient to His calls. We don’t have the answers now, but we do know that our daughter is waiting on us. And we already pray that she’ll one day love the God who brought her to us as much as we do.